‘The Moose‘ Spent Some Time On The New York Times Best Seller List, Several Times
…And Left Behind A Yellow Spot
– ANONYMOUS CRITIC
I have always been a book-fanatic for years, or so I thought anyways… I would often go to the book store, pretty much every single time I would drive down that street, which is once or twice a week. I’d choose a few books that seemed pretty eye-catching, not only from the cover, but from the first paragraph.
My friends and I do have a few favorites, and we will give you some book reviews, but these aren’t typical serious reviews. This is actually just practicing humor and satirical intent with book reviews as the medium. I hope you don’t mind.
1) Book Review Title:
Household Hints & Handy Tips
Well, first off, this book obviously includes some hints and tips on how to not live like an animal, and how to keep your household like a normal human being. It briefly teaches you step by step on how to make the bed, how to clean the floors, do the dishes, what to do when you, a family member, your pet, or your child gets a boo boo, and so on and so forth. You get the point, I hope.
I know how to make Macaroni, and sweep the floor, (like who doesn’t know how to do that?) I have lived on my own for a few months now, and I have learnt a lot from this book.
I’ve learnt that when the bathtub or the sinks are clogged, it thoroughly explains how to get all that hair out, or whatever is in there causing all that chaos. What’s most important is always sort colors when you do laundry, I’ve learnt that the hard way. Many times. Thousands of dollars have gone to waste.
What happens when you smell gas in the house? What if a stray attacks your dog? What do you do when a person faints, chokes on food, or has a heart attack? This book has the answer to every single question you can ever imagine in your entire lifetime.
Without this book, people and animals around me would be dead, no doubt about that… Trust me, a lot of catastrophe goes on in this household every single day. People choke, people fall down the stairs, slam their fingers in the door, I’ve burnt food so bad to the point my kitchen started on fire, and so on and so forth. It’s like I’m living in hell.
2) Book Review Title:
Night Over Water
The first chapter out of one of the books I started was called ‘Night Over Water’. I assumed it was maybe about someone stuck in a boat for a night over the sea or something… But it ended up to be about the most romantic plane story that has ever been made.
A brief review on what it was about was that it was a bright September afternoon, a group of passengers stepped aboard on a big plane for it’s final flight after the war has been announced. Every single person had an irresistible sense to get out of England fast.
It was only 30 long hours to arrive in New York on their aircraft, and luckily, it was high luxury all the way there. Despite all of the delicious champagne and caviar, that night, the look of the sky was full of unexpected danger.
I then suspected that there was a storm… How is it romantic? Who knows, I went on vacation to Arizona with my husband and never continued reading after that part. But yeah, it’s pretty obvious…
3) Book Review Title:
Green Eggs & Ham
by Dr. Seuss
Green Eggs and Ham is one of the ‘best selling children’s literature books’ by Dr. Seuss.
It is about a character named Sam-I-Am, whose friend tries a plate of his famous green eggs and ham. However, the un-named character refuses to try this dish and says, “I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-am”. and repeats that same phrase over and over, as Sam encourages him to eat it in a total of eight various locations such as in a car, in a box, in a house, in a tree, in a train, in the dark, in the rain, and in a boat.
So long story short, at the end of the story, the unknown character finally tries the green eggs and ham and gladly responds, “I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you. Thank you, Sam-I-am.”
My sister Andrea, and her five year old twins, Lilly and Landon, were at the store a couple weeks ago, choosing books at the book store one fine afternoon. They are very smart kids for their age, they love books so much, and had almost every one (trust me, they are all over the house every time I go visit). I thought they were geniuses until something happened…
There were many different kinds of books to choose from, but they seemed to have already had most of them. The only one out of the whole isle they never had, that caught their eye at first glance because of the beautiful bright orange cover, was Green Eggs & Ham. “Oh great…”, she thought.
Andrea knew this book was a little ‘off’ from the first time she read it when she was a little girl. But the kids really, really wanted it, so she gave in. When they got home, Lilly and Landon were so overly excited to read their new book. Andrea then handed the book over to them, and they read it every single afternoon, and every single evening, until their bedtime every single day for the past three weeks.
Lilly and Landon have been speaking very weird since then. They are not smart anymore.
Andrea: “I would not recommend this book to anybody. My kids are now getting F’s in kindergarten.”